H-E-Double hockey sticks bound
by Britz
Summary: What can I say, I was bored and desperrate to write something before I go back to school. Come in R&R cause it's not as bad as I thought it would turn out.
1. H-E-Double hockey sticks bound

  
Britz-*stares at computer screen* So, bored...Must, write, fan-fic *sucks thoughtfully on his 'pen of inspiration'* must, become, inspired *Two visits to Fan-fic.net, six cokes and a whole lot of chewing on the four-colour 'pen of inspiration' later*-Ha! HA! I've got it! It's brilliant! It's a work of perfection! I'll call it 'H-E-Double hockey sticks bound'! Now I just have to come up with a story that matches that title and I'll be all set!  
  
Summery-The Animorphs go to a zombie-infested island to stop some of dem crazy yeerks. Maybe the first in a series, I don't know since I'm desperate to write something before I go back to school so I came up with this idea 5 minutes ago so I ain't too sure what I'm gonna do with it.  
  
Disclaimer-Animorphs ain't mine and no bloody doubt there has been a movie about a bunch of people going to a zombie-infested island before this fic. So tally-ho and pip-pip and lets get on with the bloody thing.  
  
H-E-Double hockey sticks bound.   
  
Chapter one-Jake  
  
My name is Jake, who the hell are you? Jake's my first name (Duh) I can't tell you what my last name is, I'm not really sure why, I mean sure there's the whole controller thing, but we still give away a billion other clues to who we are in every single book don't we? Go figure. I used to be a normal kid but now my life is a non-stop fight against the evil yeerks, thats the reason I must keep my identity a secret, none of the yeerks can know who we are, except for those yeerks in that peace movement thing, some of them know us, but if we were attacking the yeerk pool they wouldn't start yelling 'Yo Jake!' or 'Hey Cassie, how are things?' That would be rude. I just relised why am I telling you all this? I mean your not exactly gonna 'accidently stumble' into this story, are you? So lets get on with the bloody thing.  
  
Chapter two-No one hosts this one, it will probaly be like this thruogh the whole friggen thing but eh what'cha gonna do?  
  
Marco was all alone in the Chee house "I'm free! No one can stop me this time!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"  
  
'Good-lord! Again! Please Marco NO! It's sick! It's vile! It's just plain not right!" The saner part of his mind begged him.  
  
But Marco was too far gone to be reasoned with.  
  
"Oop's I did it again, I played with your heart, then I lost it again, Oh baby baby..." Marco sung out very badly while he put on his long blond wig and shoved the nessary oranges down the frount of his shirt.  
  
'Please Marco, stop this insainity!" His mind pleaded "Britz, can't you make him stop already?"  
  
Britz-Huh? Me?  
  
'Nah the other guy writing the story named Britz, Yes of corse you dumb-ass'  
  
Britz-Al-ight, just wait a sec.  
  
'Well hurry it up, cause damn! How far out of the plot will you go to make a joke anyway? Ya stupied bloody shit-head.'  
  
Britz-Bite me fag.  
  
Using a brush as his mic Marco yelled the final "I'm not that innocent!" Then with a flash of light and a cheesy 'Zap!' He disappeared.  
  
(One more flash and cheesy 'Zap!' later) Marco finds himself floating in the middle of one of the Ellimist's big old floaty tunnel thingamibobs.  
  
Marco-Umm... Hello, anyone here? *relise's he's still wearing has the oranges in his shirt* Oh shit! *Throws away brush and oranges just before Jake appears wearing a blonde wig*  
  
Jake-*eyes closed*..Make me so hot. *opens eyes* well AAH! where am I? And Marco, why are you wearing a wig?  
  
Marco-Bu..But, so are you!  
  
Jake-OH! *remembers what he was doing before.*  
  
Jake(in memory)-*standing in frount of a mirror with the wig on. In a girly voice*- Ooh Jake, your so tough and leadry *takes off wig and says in a tough voice*-Yes well Rachel it's all in a days work, *puts wig on, back to girly voice*-But your'e so manly and you..*There's a flash of light and a cheesy 'Zap!' and the memory ends*  
  
Marco-*watching Jake staring blankly* Jake, uh Jake you still with us buddy?  
  
Jake-*snapping out of it* Wha...Um...Let us never speak of this again, deal?  
  
Marco-Deal. *Marco throws away his wig while Jake pretends too but then stuffs it in his pocket for later.*  
  
(after several more cheesy 'Zap!'s where all the other Animorph's including Tobias stuck in human morph for the sake of this story and (Pfft) Ax appear the Ellimist arrives)  
  
Ellimist-GREETINGS MORTALS.  
  
All-Hey.  
  
Ellimist-I SUPPOSE YOUR'E ALL WONDERING WHY I CALLED YOU HERE TODAY.  
  
Rachel-Not really, it's probaly something to do with a mission or something, right?  
  
Ellimist-YES WELL...YOUR MISSION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT (NOT THAT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A CHOICE) IS TO GO TO AN ISLAND THAT THE YEERKS ARE USING AS A TEST SITE FOR CREATING ZOMBIES.  
*long pause*  
  
Marco-Uh...What then?  
  
Ellimist-OH I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE KILL SOME STUFF, MAKE SOME REALLY BAD JOKES AND IF THE BUDGET ALLOWS YOU SHOULD PROBALY TRY AND STOP EM OR SOMETHING. YOU WILL BE SUPLIED WITH GUNS AND EQUIPMENT, ANY QUESTIONS?  
  
Cassie-Yeah, why are we doing that script thing again where it has our names then a dash then whatever we say after it, when Britz was actually writing it out normally before?  
  
Ellimist-BRITZ IS JUST LAZY, HE FIGURED HE'D CHANGE IT WHILE WE'RE IN THE VORTEX.  
  
Jake-Why do you speak in capitals?  
  
Ellimist-MY CHARACTER IS MORE IMPRESSIVE THAT WAY.  
  
Marco-What's the deal with air-line peanuts?  
  
Ellimist-MAYBE MAN-KIND WILL LEARN THE SECRET OF THE PEANUTS ONE DAY, BUT AS YET YOUR RACE IS TO PRIMATIVE TO UNDERSTAND. NOW YOU MUST GO FORTH IN YOUR QUEST TO MAKE SOME SORT OF SHALLOW PLOT EMERGE SO BRITZ CAN MAKE MANY A STUPID JOKE.  
*Ellimist makes a plot hole appear and the Animorphs and (Pfft) Ax get sucked into it* Y'ALL COME BACK NOW YA HEAR.  
  
Chapter 3-No one again  
  
There is yet another flash and cheesy 'Zap!' and the Animorphs find themselves lying in a heap at the bottum of a boat and (Pfft) Ax finds himself lying under the bottum of the boat because I don't like him very much. The boat floats around for a bit until it beachs itself on an island.  
  
Cassie-*angry* Great, where the hell are we now?!  
  
Marco-*points to a sign* Well let me see *reading off sign* The Yeerk's Secret Island Brain-Eating Zombie Test Site./ A division of Dapsen Lumber Company.  
  
Rachel-*reading off sign* Trespasser's will be shot so bugger off, get lost, you'd better step back,...  
  
Jake-*still reading* Piss off, get outta here, just back off, buzz off, Ek-kitatora mugga mugga/Sub title-Fuck off,...  
  
Tobias-*reading* and if your'e still reading the sign you have stuck around too long so GO AWAY!  
  
Marco-*reading last bit* No soliciters.  
  
Cassie-So guys, do you think we've got the right place?  
  
*Jake start's to answer but is cut off by a strange ruffling in the bushes*  
  
Jake-Umm..Did any one else hear a strange ruffling in the bushes?  
  
*3 zombies pop out of the bushes*  
  
Marco-AAAAHHHHH!! The 'Mutant Enemy' logo!!  
  
Zombies-Grr Arg   
  
All(the living)-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *They run towards the boat but Cassie trips*  
  
Cassie-AHHHHHHHHHH!!! *The zombies keep coming at her in the ridicusly slow way zombies walk in all them old movies* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! *the zombies are still 10 metres away from her* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *9 metres* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *8 and a half* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *6.2 metres* AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! *5.7!* Oh this is fucking ridiculous! *Cassie gets up and starts running  
again and trips again* Sigh *sees that the zombies are all standing right next to her* Hey how'd you that?  
  
Zombies-Grr Arg *they all start reaching for Cassie*  
  
Cassie-AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
*TO BE CONTINUED*  
(I guess)  
  
  
The next one will be better I swear...............Write a review already.  
  



	2. Heckraiser

  
Britz-Hey dudes and dudettes, how are things?  
  
Disclaimer-It ain't mine.  
  
Summery-continuing the same as last time only now I've starting picking on Jake some more, I don't really know why I just feel like it.  
  
Heckraiser  
  
Cassie-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Zombies-Grr Arg *start reaching for Cassie*  
  
Cassie-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Zombies-*Suddenly all fall down dead. Umm that is deader than they were before*  
  
Cassie-Wha...Well that was a stupied anti-climax *yelling back at the boat* Hey! I think they're dead!!  
  
Marco-*sarcastic voice from the boat* Ah-huh, what else is new?  
  
Cassie-I mean deader than they were before!  
  
Marco-Oh well thats all right then. *the Animorphs except Jake jump up and dust themselves off*  
  
Rachel-* to Jake* Uh Jake....You can get up now.  
  
Jake-Uh yes well...*comes out from under the blanket he was hiding under* I was just...Checking under there....For ...More Zombies! Yeah that's it more zombies.  
  
Tobias(in human morph remember)-Ah-huh did the sobbing and crying 'I don't wanna die a virgen I don't wanna die a virgen' help you much with your search?  
  
Marco-*mock defensive* Hey! I totally belive Jake when he says he was searching, and now he must start a new search, for a roll of Charmin, cause God-damn that stinks! *Tobias and Marco high-five*  
  
Jake-Bu..*sniff* But....*sniff* Well your a pee-pee head!  
*sticks his tounge out at them*  
  
Cassie-*yelling from over near the zombies* Hey guys! I think I found out why they died *the Animorphs walk over to her* look at this. *shows them the bottum of one zombies shoe*  
  
Jake-Ah-HA! so lack of orthepedic foot-wear was their downfall!  
  
Cassie-*exasperated* No! Look what's written there.  
  
Jake-Okay *trying to read* A-AC-ACME: Ch-Ch-EA Cheap, ex, ex-pen, ex-pen-da *Rachel giggles*Jake angry*- Who did that!?! Who was it!!? now I'm gonna have to start all over again!  
  
Marco-Oh for christ's sake *shoves Jake out of the way* I'll read it *reading from shoe* ACME: Cheap expendable zombie Warning: Keep away from animals and small children, and big children for that matter, in fact keep yourself and pretty much everyone else away from the bloody zombie. ACME accepts no responsibility for loss of brains/life/lunch/importaunt and unimportaunt limbs/copies of Stephen Kings 'Pet Sematary'.  
Cheap expendable zombie is a trademark of ACME and has been coyote tested and roadrunner approved. Use by: 30/1/01 (in other words the day this fic was written)  
  
Rachel-Your'e telling me that all that stuff was written on the bottum of it's shoe AND they all died cause they were past their USE BY DATE!  
  
*Marco and Cassie nod*  
  
Rachel-I guess that's about belivable considering Britz's other stories, but I'm a little surprised Britz is letting his incredably cheap nature start to sink into his fan-fics.  
  
Tobias-*changing subject* So..What are we gonna do now?  
  
Jake-*excited* Well lets grap the guns and head out!  
  
Others-*various grunts of approval and 'might as well's*  
  
*one short trip to the boat to grap the guns and a quick change of pants for Jake later*  
  
Jake-Alright troops lets move out! *Animorphs and (pfft) Ax (who had to be untied from the bottum of the boat) head off into the bushes*  
  
Zombies-*all get up*  
  
Zombie#1-Man, I can't belive how stupied our part was in this fic.  
  
Zombie#2-*snotty English accent* Yes us actors of such a calibre.  
  
Zombie#3-*lights cigerette* Eh what'cha gonna do? *takes a drag from cigerette*  
  
Zombie#1-Dude your'e smoking again? You know those things will kill you.  
  
Zombie#3-Too late man, don't ya think?  
  
Zombie#2-Well chaps what are we to do now? Hmm?  
  
Zombie#1-I don't know....Wanna see if some one can sqeeze us in over in the 'Buffy' part of Fan-Fic.net?  
  
Zombie#2-Yes alright  
  
Zombie#3-Yeah okay *all of them walk off*  
  
(and now back to our story already in progress)  
  
*The Animorphs trek through the bush*  
  
Jake-Okay were getting no where! *turns to the others* How about we split up so we can search better, the groups shall be as follows me and.. *he is cut off by a zombie that jumps out behind him*  
  
Zombie-Roar! Boo! Insert scary noise here! *grabs Jake*  
  
Jake-*Performs a brilliantly exacuted, wonderfully stratigic plan to free himself from the Zombie by screaming like a little girl and wetting his pants* (can anyone truthfully say they can blame him?)  
  
Zombie-*Pulls a straw out of his pocket and sticks it in Jake's ear*  
  
Jake-EEEEEIIIIIIIIIIII!!!  
  
Zombie-*Sucks on straw but cant get any thing* Huh? *Sucks harder* Grr, talk about pulling a no-brainer *sucks so hard that the straw is sucked into his mouth and gets lodged in his throat* Urk! ROCK AND ROLL FOREVER! *falls over dead, y'know what I mean, dead-dead*   
  
Cassie-Wow Jake, you killed him, hmm does killing a person by accident who was already half-dead and was trying to kill Jake but still failing miserably, upset me cause of my ethical nature or do I just get kind of sad and nostalgic about it? I'm gonna have to think about this for a while.  
  
Jake-Riiight, anyway as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted is the groups will be me and Rachel, Marco and Cassie and Tobias and (pfft) Ax, lets get going people! call out if you see a zombie so we can get the hell away from you. Lets go! *the Animorphs split up into the different groups*  
  
*half hour later with Tobias (in human morph remember) and (pfft) Ax*  
  
Tobias-So I take the 'No frills' Pickle's and the brand name pickles take the lables off the jars, I can't tell the difference. What do you think?  
  
*Ax starts to answer, but in stead of breaking my little streak of having Ax not talk in the last five Animorphs-fics his head gets blown off by a dracon beam*  
  
Tobias-AHH!! Who...Who's there?!?   
  
*A shadowy figure steps out from behind a tree*  
  
Tobias-NO!! It can't be NOOO!!!  
  
~To be continued~  
  
Britz-OOOh suspenseful huh? Well actually it won't be for much longer cause of this new bloody 'chapter' thing.  
  



	3. Da Gates of Heck

  
Britz-Who is the mysterious shadowy figure? What does fa-spitzed mean? (it's Jewish kids) How many ways are there to leave your lover? Why do I keep writing thease damn introductions even when I really have nothing to say? Wheres Waldo? Iv'e decided that I'll answer at least three of those questions the other two I just put in to have the full set of Who, What, Why, Where and How.  
  
Disclaimer-It ain't all good, (thats the truth) and it ain't all mine either I own Nut-shing (what you've never watched 'Welcome back Kotter'?)  
  
  
DA GATES OF HECK!  
(scary huh?)  
  
*A shadowy Andalite figure steps out from behind a tree*  
  
Tobias-NOO! It can't be! No! (Dun Dun DA!) Visser Three duh.. I mean One! *starts to raise his gun but an Andalite tail comes out and chops off his right hand* OW! *clutching at his right arm* Visser Thr-uh One! You killed my father!  
  
Shadowy figure-*very deep voice* No Tobias, (Hmm haah Hmm haah) I am your father. *steps out of the shadows to show it's actually a zombie Elfangor*  
  
Tobias-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwhy'are'you'still'reading'this?OOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh hang on a minute, yes you are.  
  
Elfangor-Come Tobias, join me, submit to the dark side  
  
Tobias-Is that just some sort of slang for some father/son bonding   
  
Elgangor-*normal voice* Uhh.. Sure, why not.  
  
Tobias-Woww *We see inside Tobias's imagination with that song by Cat Stevens playing in the background*  
  
(in imagination) -And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon- *Tobias and Elfangor run through a park flying kites together* -little boy blue and the man in the moon- *Tobias and Elfangor toss a ball to each other in a father/son-ish kind of way* -when your coming home dad I don't know when, but we'll get together then dad, you know we'll have a good time then- *Tobias and Elfangor fish together, Elfangor turns to Tobias and says* I love you son  
  
*And now back to our fic still in progress*  
  
Elfangor-Tobias? *waves his hand in front of Tobias's face*  
  
Tobias-*wakes up, starts sobbing* Oh wow, *hugs Elfangor* I love you, dad  
  
Elfangor-I love you too, son *hugs Tobias back, starts crying in that wimpy father/son bonding in a chick flick kind of way*  
  
Tobias-*between sobs* So this is *sob* what it feels like *sob* when doves cry. *sobbing*  
  
Elfangor-come on son, lets go home *they walk off and both fall down a large plot-hole that appeared since it is so stupid for a zombie to start acting in such a fatherly way and not just eat Tobias's brains. Who writes this crap anyway? Oh right I do. Eh what'cha gonna do?*  
  
*How abouts we follow Marco and Cassie for a bit hmmm?*  
  
Cassie-*firing randomly off-screen*Die! DIE!! Die evil spawn of Hades!!! I'll see you in Hell mother-fuckers!!!! Save me a fucking good seat!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! And I'm spent. *Stops shooting and lays down her gun as the last of her human targets drops dead in to an huge pile of bodys*  
  
Marco-Wow Cassie, in the last hour youv'e killed 8 litter bugs, 12 lumber jacks, 5 bird hunters, a family of inconsiderate campers and an entire troop of boy scouts, how do you feel?  
  
Cassie-Great! Anything to protect our cute furry woodland creatures. Though I'm a little confused as to why so many people would be on a secret zombie infested island.  
  
Marco-Eh what'cha gonna do?  
  
*Marco and Cassie walk around for a while until they see a zombie eating the remains of a Chinese man*  
  
Zombie (to himself)-*while eating Chinese guy* Honestly I don't know why I bother, I'm just gonna be hungry again in an hour.  
  
Cassie-Now thats more than I can God-damn take *jumps into clearing* Killing and eating people is one thing, making stupid Chinese-food jokes, well that just takes things to a whole new level. Prepare to die mother-fucker!!! *she starts to raise her gun but while she was making her little speach the zombie had calmly walked over to her and now he jumped on to her and killed her with an explosion of blood and gore*  
  
Marco-*watching* oh thats just not right. *starts shooting at the zombie*  
  
Zombie-huh? *gets up and starts walking towards Marco*  
  
Marco-AHHHHHH!!!! *keeps shooting, blowing away bits of the zombie then finally shoots it in the head*  
  
Zombie-*feels where it's (ahem) package is and sees that it hasn't been blown off* Oh thank God *falls over dead*  
  
Marco-Jeez, I'd better go find the others. *runs off to find Jake and Rachel*  
  
~To be continued~  
  
  
Britz-Yeah I know it's a cheap place to end it but if I kept going there wouldn't be another place for ages and the next bloody chapter would be too friggen short.  
  
P.S. It means stressed out and Waldo's always in the last place you look.  
  
P.S.S. (or is it P.P.S.?) Review it, you know you want to.  
  



	4. The title is to bloody long to write

  
Britz-Yo yo yo! show us some love y'all show us some love!  
  
isclaimer-Day-I ave-hay othing-nay, it's ot-nay ine-may.  
(Transalation-Disclaimer-I have nothing, it's not mine.)  
  
DA RULER OF UMM Y'KNOW THAT REALLY BAD PLACE THE ONE WITH FLAMES AND STUFF. (YOU CAN'T MISS IT.)  
(definautly the stupiedest title I've ever written)  
  
*Now do ya remember the deal? Oh hang on it was only the last chapter, how could you forget? Cause now we're gonna follow Rachel and Jake for a bit*  
  
(Scene-Rachel is waiting in a clearing while Jake peforms a necessary biological function while standing behind a tree)  
  
Rachel-Would you hurry up already?!  
  
Jake-Okay, you can't rush thease things y'know, hang on hang on...Oooh yeah...  
  
Rachel-We all asked you if you needed to go before the fan-fic but ooh no, you were fine.  
  
Jake-Well I didn't need to go then, so there! *sticks his tougue out in her general direction*  
  
*1 minute later*  
  
Rachel-C'mon, hurry the fuck up!  
  
Jake-Hang on, hang on......I'M FINISHED!!  
  
Rachel-Whoop, -ee,  
  
Jake-*turns around to find a zombie right behind him* or maybe not *he wets himself and the zombie grabs him*  
  
Rachel-Whadda ya mean 'or maybe not'? Dammit Jake! Hurry the hell up!!  
  
Jake-AHHHHHH!!! *starts getting beaten up by zombie* AHHH!! Ow! Ouch! AHHHHHH!! Yeow! AHHHH!!  
  
Rachel-Ummm...Jake? You okay back there? Jake?  
  
Jake-AHHHH!! Dammit! AHHHH-OW!-HHHH!! The pain! The pain!!  
  
Rachel-Well umm...I ain't really the person you should be talking to about this...Maybe you should ask Marco...  
  
Jake-Ow! Ahh! NOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Rachel-Oh I'm sure you don't have to be embarresed.... Hey is it that disease that the guy had in 'The green mile'?  
  
Jake-AHHHHH!! Oh God! Oh God!!!!  
  
Rachel-Huh?..*angry*- Okay thats it Jake! If I come back there and your'e doing what I think your'e doing, your'e a dead man. Y'hear me!? Zip up laddy cause I'm coming back there! *She closes her eyes, whinces and steps behind the tree*   
  
Zombie-*sees Rachel* Huh? *stops beating up Jake*  
  
Rachel-Okay! I'm opening my eyes now!! Y'hear me!!! *opens her eyes and sees a very pissed off zombie standing over a very beat-up Jake* Hmm...Bad. But not as bad as I was expecting. *Raises up her gun and shoots the zombie*  
  
Zombie-Oh well down I go...Stay in school kids *falls down dead*  
  
Jake-Gah-hoy...*pant pant* Thanks, but we gotta go find the others  
  
*Marco suddenly appears from behind a tree*  
  
Marco-Hey guys. How are things?  
  
Rachel-Marco? What are you doing here?  
  
Marco-*non-chalaunt* Well Cassie's dead so I figured I'd better come find you guys.  
  
Rachel-Uh-huh.  
  
Jake-Uh....Hang on a second what do ya mean Cassie's dead?!!?  
  
Marco-You know dead, as in no longer alive.  
  
Jake-Oh of course....I mean what!? Are you sure?!?!  
  
Marco-Pretty sure.  
  
Jake-How sure?  
  
Marco-Alright positive.  
  
Jake-How positive?  
  
Marco-Positive's.....Positive, there are no degrees of it! Positive as in 100% and then some!  
  
Jake-Hmm....Thats pretty positive...Alright team lets move out! *marches off Marco and Rachel reluctently follow*Left! Left! Left right left! Lets get a move on people!  
  
Marco-*whispering to Rachel* You have a bloody gun, how could you go so long without killing the jack-ass?  
  
Rachel-*whispering back* It wasn't easy let me tell you.  
  
*half-hour later, the remaining Animorphs come across the plot hole that Tobias and Elfangor fell down*  
  
Tobias-*from the hole* Umm..Hello? Is anyone up there? Could ya give us a hand?  
  
Rachel-OH! We'll help you out my little baby birdy boy!  
  
*Rachel helps Tobias and Elfangor out of the hole while Marco and Jake "supervise"*  
  
Marco-Say Tobias, how did Rachel help you out of the hole when it was supposed to be a bottumless plot hole?  
  
Tobias-Umm....Shoddy fan-fic workmanship?  
  
Marco-*stares*.....That is such a stupied answer I don't even know where to begin.  
  
Tobias-Hey, you get what you pay for.  
  
Marco-*stares some more*.....Britz killed you off then changed his mind didn't he?  
  
Tobias-Well.......Yeah, But I thought I was doing a bang-up job of covering for him.  
  
Rachel-Of course you were honey-buns, but right now I think we should be looking for the yeerks top secret zombie making head-quarters  
  
Jake-Well maybe we should start over there. *points to a huge building in the middle of the forest*  
  
Marco-Now I'm pretty sure that wasn't there a second ago.  
  
Jake-How sure?  
  
Rachel-Oh good lord, lets not start that up again *walks up to the building and starts reading a sign that is next to the door* reading from sign*-This building is not the Yeerks top secret zombie making head-quarters. If you are an Animorph who thinks this is the Yeerks top secret zombie making head-quarters you couldn't be more wrong, so don't even bother checking.  
  
Jake-Okay then, my mistake, lets just keep looking shall we?  
  
Marco-Umm Jake, I think this might be the place.  
  
Jake-But thats not what the sign says.  
  
Tobias-Jake, buddy, I think the sign is just a yeerk trick meant to throw us off course.  
  
Jake-oooh.......Sneaky bastards aren't they?  
  
Tobias-Umm...Sure.  
  
Jake-Okay guys heres the plan, Rachel morphs elephant and causes a distraction while we all go fly. When the yeerks come out to investigate the noise we go through the door and find the mainframe while Rachel.....*Finally relises that instead of listen to him, the others have simply opened the unlocked door and gone inside* Hey guys wait up already! *runs through the door*  
  
*Scene-inside the building where everything is pitch-black*  
  
Rachel-Dammit!, will someone turn on the friggen lights?  
  
Elfangor-Hang on I have found the switch *turns on the lights and reveals a stabbed to death Tobias and an unconcious  
Jake*  
  
Marco-Whoa! Deja vu anyone?  
  
Rachel-Definautly. Pointless death, repetative ideas, the word 'friggen' it has 'Britz fan-fic' written all over the plot.   
*they drag Jake against the wall and revive him*  
  
Marco-Wakey wakey dude.  
  
Jake-*sleepy* Wha.....Umm, wheres Tobias?  
  
Rachel-Hes dead Jake. *Jake looks paniced* But don't worry I'm sure the four of us are gonna be just fine.  
  
*a spiked ball swings out from the ceiling and kills Elfangor*  
  
Rachel-Alright, I'm sure the three of us will be okay.  
  
*a trapdoor opens under Marco and a huge creature jumps up and eats him*  
  
Rachel-Okay the two of us will be just fine and dandy  
  
Jake-No don't you get it! theyr'e picking us off one by one! the others are all dead and were next!! Thats it man! we're done for man! Game over man, game over!!! *Rachel slaps him*  
  
Rachel-Don't you dare call me 'man'!!... And while your'e at it you should probaly get a hold of yourself too! *slaps him again, and again, and again*  
  
Jake-Alright alright! *and again* OW! We should go looking for...*and again* OW! The mainframe now...*and again* OW! Stop bloody slapping me!!  
  
Rachel-*stops slapping Jake* Oh, sorry, I just got caught up in the moment. So where should we start looking?  
  
Jake-How about over there? *points to a large door marked 'Mainframe'*  
  
Rachel-I'm pretty sure that wasn't there a few seconds ago.....Eh what'cha gonna do? *walks over to the door and gets ready to kick it in*  
  
Jake-WAIT RACHEL STOP!!! *gets up and runs over to her* STOP! STOP!!  
  
Rachel-Why?  
  
Jake-look. *points to a 'Do not disturb' sign hanging off the doorknob* Notorious aren't they?  
  
Rachel-*sighs then raises her foot to kick it in again. Suddenly Marco appears* Huh? Marco we thought you were dead!  
  
Marco-Nope, Britz didn't want me to die. Plus the monster didn't like Spanish food *relises what he just said* Oh God, two chapters, two bad cultural food jokes.  
  
Rachel-Oh...Okay then.  
  
Jake-You gonna kick in the door now?  
  
Rachel-Nah. You guys got me all out of the mood. *She grabs the doorknob and opens the door*  
  
All-*gasp, not because of what or who is inside but because they all relise I'm gonna end this chapter now and drag this thing on even longer*  
  
~To be continued~  
  
  
Britz-Yeah yeah you know where to send the complaits, down in that little box below all this writing. Oh well cause of this chapter thing I'm allowed to write the whole thing very irresponsibly with no regard for my faithful readers or my fellow writers (hey I just found the silver lining.) Don't worry the next bit will be here so fast you won't even notice it's missing (mainly because I want to get to work on a little Valintines/humour piece of fluff before the actual dsays been and gone, guess I'll have to work fast.)  
  
Yours in humour fics  
  
Britz.  
  



	5. THE MERCIFUL END.

  
Britz-Okay, heres the thing I originally planned to only have four chapters plus I want to get this over with without to much thinking so I have no name for this story. Any suggestions? Then write a bloody review!  
  
Disclaimer-It ain't mine and you know it.  
  
THE FIC THAT HAS NO NAME.  
(say, thats not to bad. Kind of got a 'I can't belive it's not butter' type ring to it don't ya think?.)  
  
*Scene-Where we left off (where else?)*  
  
Rachel, Marco and Jake-*gasp*  
  
Britz-*lounging in a deck chair* A-hoy-hoy mi amigos  
  
Jake-YOU! What the hell are you doing here?!  
  
Britz-Me? I'm just sitting around, drinking a bud, watching the game.  
  
Jake-True....I mean, why are you here?  
  
Britz-Oh right that, Visser Thre..Um, One hired me to kill you.  
  
Rachel-You work for the Yeerks now?  
  
Britz-Yup.  
  
Marco-But that makes no sense. Why would such a huge Animorphs fan go and work for our sworn enemy and try to destroy us? The only thing saving mankind from total destruction?  
  
Britz-What can I say? I needed a job and they paid better than Macdonalds.  
  
Rachel-That's ridiculous!!  
  
Britz-Really Rachel? which would you rather do help enslave all mankind, or wear one of those little paper hats?  
  
Rachel-Hmm...Youv'e got a point.  
  
Marco-Well...When he's right, he's very right.  
  
Jake-Say I just realised something about this story.  
  
Marco-What about it?  
  
Jake-Didn't we do the whole 'evil-person hiring a fan-fic writer to kill the Animorphs' premise before? Y'know with Mad Cow?  
  
Rachel-Saaay thats right Mad Cow and Doctor Evil. And she just happens to be one of Britz's favourite authors. *turns to Britz* your'e stealing ideas now?  
  
Britz-Oh God no! I came up with this ending AND THEN remembered Mad Cow did that.  
  
Animorphs-*look unconvinced*  
  
Britz-What? It's true I swear!! *whiny* I diiiiiddd.  
  
Marco-*unconvinced* Ah-huh.  
  
Britz-Oh you guys are sooo dead. *yelling into another room*- RALPH! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!  
  
Jake-Ralph?  
  
Britz-Yep, I watched 'The Simpsons' last night and for some reason I can't get that name out of my head. *yelling*- RALPH! GET IN HERE!!  
  
*suddenly the door is kicked in by a huge Hork-Bajir who lands in the middle of the room*  
  
Ralph(the Hork-Bajir)-HI-YAH!!! *performs a bunch of Hork-Bajir karate-type moves that give his arms this whole 'whirlwind of blades' effect*   
  
Marco-Hmm, impressive.  
  
Jake-Re-he-eally? Well stick this in your crack-pipe and smoke it....Waaaaooo *does that famous 'Karate-Kid' pose* hi-YAH! Hi-YAAAH! *runs towards 'Ralph' doing all sorts of pathetic looking karate moves*  
  
Ralph-*does the Blade-move-thingy again at Jake*  
  
Jake-Pfft, you missed me *his shirt falls in to ribbons* oh shit. *Ralph whips around with his tail and sends Jake flying into a wall* AHHHH!! *BANG!* ow. *he slids to the floor*  
  
Rachel-Hmm, yeah impressive.  
  
Britz-You ain't seen nothing yet. *to Ralph*-Hey Ralph! do that thing. You know that thing that you do.  
  
Ralph-Siiigh *goes over to a table that has a large fish, a clump of seaweed and a small tree on it. then does that 'whirlwind of blades' thing to the three items*  
  
Marco-Ummm...What is the point of all this?  
  
Britz-Just watch. *Ralph finishes, then presents a small wooden basket (complete with chopsticks)filled with Sushi* Ta-Da! Enough Maki-Sushi to choke a sumo-wrestler! What do ya think of that?!  
  
Animorphs-*impressed* Oooh, aaah.  
  
Britz-You got that right. Go ahead *malicious* try some Muahahaha! MUAhahaha!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Animorphs-*all look at Britz in a suspicious way*  
  
Britz-A-hem, a-hem, umm...There was a frog in my throat MUAHAHAHA!!!*he coughs up a frog*  
  
Frog-Ribbet MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Ribbet *hops away*  
  
Britz-See what did I tell you? Go ahead and eat some.  
  
Jake-Oh, okay *reaches for some sushi*  
  
Rachel-Umm, Jake I don't think you should do that.  
  
Jake-Oh, what are you worried about? *grabs a piece of sushi and sticks it in his mouth*chewing*-Mmmm, hmmm, mmmm, gulp *his eyes go wide, he falls to the ground and he starts coughing and choking* cough GAG! Urk!  
  
Marco-HEY! What have you done to him!?!  
  
Rachel-You poisoned him! Didn't you? You bastard!!  
  
Britz-I did nothing of the sort.  
  
Jake-Cough! Oooh thats better *gets up* sorry to scare y'all, it just went down the wrong way. I'm better now.  
  
Rachel-Dumb-ass *slaps him on the back of the head*  
  
Jake-Oooow!  
  
Britz-Enough! I tire of this idle chit-chat!  
  
Marco-Whoa dude, who writes your dialog?  
  
Britz-*ignoring Marco* Ralph! Attack!  
  
Ralph-*does a little karate pose* Whoooaaa *runs at them with blades going everywhere*Yaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!  
  
Rachel-*moves out of the way and sticks her leg out*  
  
Ralph-*trips over Rachels leg and flys out the window* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHeep!HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jake-Wow, sounds like a long way down.  
  
Marco-Hmmm. Aren't we still at ground level?   
  
Britz-Ummm.....Uh.....Theres a cliff that side! Yeah a big old cliff.  
  
Rachel-*looking out window* no there isn't!  
  
Ralph-*who has just lying next to the window screaming 'AHHHH!!' Realises he's been caught out so he gets up and runs away*  
  
Marco-*turns to Britz* I trust you have a good explaination for all that.  
  
Britz-Ummm...Yeah..Sure, why not. Time for plan B! Ha-HA! *pulls a little bottle out of his jacket and throws it at the ground where it explodes into a huge cloud of pink smoke* from inside the smoke*- Bye-bye Muahahaha! MUAhahaha!! Christ this stuff is murder on the eyes MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!  
  
*The smoke clears and Britz is still standing there*  
  
Britz-Oh shit! It didn't work did it? Oh well time for plan C! *pulls out the pen that is the source of all his Super presto-Not quite omnipotent-But still not half bad-Writer powers (as seen in MEGA-MURDER-MYSTERY-MORPHS 4) PREPARE TO DIE!! *looks around desperatly for something to write on and can't find anything* oh shit.  
  
Marco-To bad Britz, now hand over that pen.  
  
Britz-You can have my pen when you pry it from my cold dead fingers bitch!  
  
Rachel-That can be arranged *raises her fist*  
  
Britz-Eep! *meekly* here you go. *throws her the pen*  
  
Rachel-Perfect, now we will use your own power to destroy you!  
  
Britz-No wait! You can't do that!!  
  
Marco-Why the hell not?  
  
Britz-Cause thats the exact same way you dealt with Mad Cow in her aforementioned fic.  
  
Marco-So?  
  
Britz-Well you don't want me to get flamed do you?  
  
Rachel-Why the hell not!? You killed the others, you tried to kill us, you practiclly tried to sell out all of man-kind to the evil Yeerks and made a very bad joke about Chinese food in 'DA GATES OF HECK' why on Earth should we care about you getting FLAMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Britz-Well other than all that I'm a nice enough guy.  
  
Rachel-Ooh well okay then. We'll let you off this time, but don't go making bad Chinese food jokes again, alright?  
  
Britz-Oh okay.  
  
Rachel-Good to hear. Heres your pen *throws the pen to Britz but he misses it and it flys off and hits a big red button*  
  
Britz-*scared shit-less* oh crap.  
  
Marco-Why? Whats that button do?  
  
Britz-Its 'Destroy Entire Island' button.  
  
*suddenly a female voice rings out of the speakers*  
Voice-Island will self-destruct in 2 minutes, running is advised  
  
Jake-So what does it do?  
  
Britz-*super calm* Jake with a name like 'Destroy Entire Island' button what do you think it does?   
  
Jake-Hang on don't tell me...Don't tell me....  
  
Marco-*ignoring Jake* Who the hell has a 'Destroy Entire Island' button lying around!!!!  
  
Britz-Apparently I do, which on reflection was probaly a bad idea at the time.  
  
Voice-Island will self destruct in 1 and a half minutes, why are you dick-heads standing around talking?  
  
Britz-*remebering the voice* Oh right that....Bye! *Runs away as fast as he can*   
  
Marco-AHH! What are we gonna do!?!?!  
  
Rachel-Calm down, we'll just get the Ellimist to get us out of this *yelling at nothing in particular*-Ellimist?! Ellimist are you there?!  
  
*suddenly an answering machine appears and the Ellimist's voice comes out of it*  
  
Machine-HELLO, YOU HAVE REACHED THE ELLIMIST. I'M NOT HERE RIGHT NOW BUT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE PLEASE TALK AFTER THE BEEP....HOW DO YOU STOP THIS THING ANY-WAY...OH I'VE GOT IT, THIS BUTTON *beep*  
  
Rachel-Umm you there Ellimist?...We could use a hand here...Ellimist?  
  
Voice-Island will self-destruct in 1 minute, what ARE you still doing here?  
  
Animorphs-O-oh *run away as fast as they can*  
  
Jake-*suddenly runs back and grabs the sushi* little something for the road. *runs away again*  
  
*meanwhile elsewhere on the island, Britz arrives at the wharf*  
  
Britz-HEY! Where my fucking boat?!  
  
Zombie#1-Over here Britzy boy! Ha ha ha!  
  
*Britz looks up and sees that several zombies and Ralph have stolen his speedboat*  
  
Zombie#2-Ha Ha! So long motherfucker! *laughs and throws a beer bottle at Britz*  
  
Britz-*jumping away from bottle* Bring back that boat you bastards!! I'll rip your nipples off and force feed them to ya!!! *the zombie's just laugh and flip Britz the bird* DAMMIT!! Okay visualise a beautiful meadow, I'm standing in it and...Eureka! I've got it! I'll use my Super presto-Not quite omnipotent-But still not half bad-Writer powers! *remembers that he left his pen back at the building* oh shit *runs back towards the building even faster than before.*  
  
*elsewhere on the island the Animorphs reach their boat*  
  
Voice-Island will self destruct in half a minute, please start praying to the Mesiah of your choice, now  
  
Marco-CRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!! START THE BOAT!! START THE GOD-DAMN BOAT!!!!!!  
  
Jake-Alright, just calm it down a notch, you can't rush thease things y'know. *is immediantly kicked out of way by Marco and Rachel who then start the boat*  
  
*they speed away from the island while elsewhere*  
  
Britz-*gets back to the room and finds his pen*   
  
Voice-Island will self-destruct in 10 seconds, your in deep shit mi'laddo. 9..8..7..  
  
Britz-Oh shut the hell up!   
  
Voice-Bite me bitch, 6..5..  
  
Britz-*to pen* come on I need a boat a boat *a large sailboat appears in the middle of the room* alright it worked!! *jumps in to the boat*  
  
Voice-4..3..  
  
Britz-Hang on, boat without water? That isn't good.  
  
Voice-No shit sherlock, 2..1. Bah-bye.  
  
*the entire island explodes with a big old* BOOM! (BOOM! Not shown actually size)  
  
(a flying through the sky and very burnt) Britz-This is Britz Britten blasting off a....Well for the first time I guess. *ting*  
  
Rachel-*watching the explosion from the boat* Boy thank God we escaped that sicko Britz.  
  
Marco-Yeah, cause y'know using self-insertion this long after the fad died *shudders*  
  
Jake-*trying to eat the sushi with the chop sticks* Y'know guy I just can't get the hang of thease things *drops some sushi on the ground* now where did that go? *slips on the sushi and falls over board* AHHH! *splash!*  
  
Rachel-Say where did Jake go?  
  
Marco-I don't know he was here a minute ago.  
  
Jake-*floating in the water watching the boat drive away* Guys? Guys? Are you there guys? Guys? Guys? Okay guys joke's over come on back now. Guys? Guys? Are you there guys? HEEELLLPPPP!!!!!!!  
  
~THE MERCIFUL END~  
---(or is it?)---  
  
Britz-*ting* AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *BANG! He hits the ground* Ow! *gets up* I'll get you Animorphs! I'll kill you! AND YOUR FRIGGEN LITTLE DOG TO!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *hears a falling noise and looks up to see the sailboat falling towards him* oh shit. *CRASH!*  
  
*Britz gets back in the real world*  
  
Britz-AHHHHHHH!!! *falls off his chair* Ow! That really hurt! *gets back up* Damn those Animorphs to the pits of Hades!! I'll get them!!! I'LL WRITE A FIC THAT WILL DESTROY THEM ALL!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! But first I'll have a Coke...Oh and I can't write something else, I'm gonna start that Valintines day fic tomorrow..Oh I guess I'll do it sometime soon, I'll just write down a reminder *feels his pockets* Hey! Where's my God-damn pen?  
  
(a poor-ass and excessivly stupied way to make this the proper)  
  
~END~  
  
(love it? Hate it? Wanna flame it? WRITE A BLOODY REVIEW!)   
  



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